All I can say is that when it comes to the sex practices of certain species (who shall not remain nameless), deviant human sex can’t touch it. We simply can’t get weird enough.

Who’s that lump you're with?

Women have occasionally been criticized by girlfriends for dating a man who, shall we say, is perceived as a lump—a rather useless, parasitic sort of person who doesn’t exactly have a personality. One assumption as to why this man is still around after some time is that the lump in public may be a tiger in bed.

In the world of the anglerfish, a male lump takes on a whole new meaning. Anglerfish are deep sea creatures living at the bottom of the ocean—where it’s dark, and hard to see. And did I mention, vast? So, the female anglerfish has a spiny appendage and a glowing lure on the end of her nose to attract other fish—the kind she eats. However, her glow has another useful function: attracting the males for sex.

From a human point-of-view, the huge female anglerfish is, shall we say, hideous looking, but to a male anglerfish, she is the most desirable thing he’s ever seen. Once he ends his search and finds his true love, he holds onto her for life (awww) by biting into her body (ouch!) and releasing an enzyme that digests his skin, fusing the two together.(OMG!). His blood supply is directly linked into hers so that she provides all his nourishment for the rest of his life. The tiny male is born without a digestive system of his own, so he has to find a female quickly after birth—or he’ll die.

Once the male is attached, his body wastes away until he becomes this lump on the female’s body. (Isn’t that just beautiful?)

“Can’t live if livin’ is without you.”

And what does the female anglerfish get out of the pain and feeding of this parasitic lump for the rest of her life? Sex. Sex on demand. The male anglerfish provides sperm whenever there are eggs that need to be fertilized.

They truly can’t survive without each other; they’re completely co-dependant. And that’s OK.

So when women complain that they can’t find a man, the smug female anglerfish can boast (if she were being anthropomorphized for the sake of humor as she is here) —“I have such a sexy glow about me, that I can find a male at the bottom of the ocean and keep him for life.” At best, all we humans can say about a relationship is that we’re attached at the hip, and even so, it’s only a metaphor.

Dinner and sex

As a prelude to sex, males of many species “wine and dine” females. Feeding your mate is a popular evolutionary strategy. It demonstrates that the male has the female’s best interests at heart and that he’s a good provider (Translate that to: he’ll be a good father, he won’t let us starve, he’s made of good stuff so he’ll make good babies). The male biological program is, keep her well-nourished and she’ll produce me some fine looking, healthy offspring.

Taken to an extreme, the sexual partner is dinner.

Sex and dinner

Praying Mantises are known for their sexual cannibalism. This doesn’t happen all the time, but often enough for their reputation for having sex with dinner to remain intact.

Once mounted by the male, the female mantis sometimes bites his head off. Even more bizarre is the fact that without his head, the male doubles his duration and speed in delivering sperm to the female, improving his chances of fertilization—sacrificing his head for better reproduction opportunities. When the female proceeds to eat the rest of the male, she is securing valuable nourishment for herself and her eggs. Apparently, subservient males who are not fit enough to dance their way out of this one get eaten, while the stronger, superior males escape (according to speculation by entomologists). Either way, it’s risky business for the guys and a win-win situation for the gals.

Nature is both deadly serious and so wacky, going to any lengths to make sure that we produce little ones, and that the kids are all right.

Coming Attractions:

Next up, killer spiders, exploding bees, traumatic bedbug insemination, and detachable penises — on Deadly Animal Sex: Part 2.

Reviewed by Amy I. Attas, V.M.D.

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